HYPERVENTILA-

OMGELEPHANTS!

Internet, one of my dreams has come true: I have met an elephant. Several, in fact!

Ever since I saw a gif of a Thai elephant giving a tourist a massage on a beach, I kept it in the back of my mind that Thailand was my opportunity to meet an elephant. The last day of teaching the course, I went to the front desk and threw myself on their mercy, saying, "I want to see elephants. Where should I go?" They seemed to be familiar with the question, and whipped out a brochure for Pattaya Elephant Village, which, as luck would have it, is exactly what Google gave me when I asked it the same question. I was told it would be 2,000 Baht cash, and that I would leave at 3:30 p.m. the next day. I was cool with that, as I'd have the whole morning to obtain cash and emotionally prepare myself. And pack.

Fast forward to the next morning, when I woke up at about 8:45, luxuriating in the possibility of perhaps having pancakes and some more of that bin o' bacon (yes, the hotel had an entire bin of bacon. Crispy bacon. Also, a whole other bin just of UK bacon! They are so equal opportunity in Thailand). At 9:30, still in bed, watching something edifying like The Expendables 2 as I checked my email and loafed rather spectacularly, I received a phone call. This phone call was from the front desk, saying, "You see elephants 10:00. Is convenient for you?" It was not convenient, Internet. It was, however, the only acceptable time to do the whole shebang (on which I'd decided after some mulling and the conclusion that this was not something I could just pop off and do of a weekend). So I told the nice lady that I would be in the lobby in 15 minutes, threw myself into the shower, and caromed out to the lobby, still slightly damp.

In the lobby, I expressed my need for an ATM, and was directed outside, "right next to the smoking area," where indeed, there was a Bangkok Bank ATM. I applied myself to its mastery, and seemed to be executing cash extraction with panache, right up until the moment it should have spit money into my waiting hand, and instead it informed me that something was incomplete and I should contact my bank. Which I did, dear reader, because I am Responsible. Citibank - who has a really good international service, not gonna lie - told me everything was cool on their front. After a few more attempted variations on the theme of "put card in, get money out," it was clear that I was not going to pay in cash. Terrified they would turn me down, and with minutes (seconds?) to spare, I rushed back into the hotel and begged for mercy in a totally dignified way. Whereupon, heart racing and palms clammy, she told me, "oh, it's okay, you can pay with a credit card there."

WAT. Okay, fine, but really, did you need to make me do my little puppet dance for so long before telling me that? We are getting further and further from the status of convenience, here.

So she explains this to the driver, who is already there and proceeds to respond by slapping a red sticker onto my sleeve that marks me as a whole hog experiencer of elephants, and I hop into the waiting van.

Full disclosure, Internet: it is at this point in the writing process that I tried to upload my copious photos of this day. I am writing this from Amsterdam, which has so far failed pretty spectacularly to deliver on the promise of the developed world in terms of internet speeds, and is instead living up to its preferred moniker, the Old World. Some photos/videos did not load at all (neither the first time nor the subsequent times) and I am left with whatever the Internet gods have deigned to give me. You will be saddened to note that this category of things does not include my awesome selfie in the car with my red sticker, nor my fascinating shot of a pole, passed en route, supporting more power lines than physics would aver is altogether wise. Use your imaginations.

 Here is the first glimpse of an elephant, through the struts of the memorabilia stand! Embiggen for a better view, though the fleeting nature occasioned by the image size is actually very evocative of the elusive target. You wouldn't think, being that big, that elephants would be elusive, but there they are, eluding.

Before boarding, we had the opportunity to buy bunches of fingerling bananas to feed to our trusty steeds. As I had no Thai currency, I was left out of this, but the nice Australian couple (on their honeymoon) to whom I explained my situation donated two bananas to my noble cause. I saved one for the trek, but the first one I tried to feed to an elephant who was not quite getting it. She kept trying to wrap her whole trunk (a gross motor effort, if you will) around the banana (requires motor skill). It was less than successful. Eventually, we explored the possibility of snorfling it up with the tip, and everyone left the interaction satisfied.

 To ascend an elephant is a lofty goal. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) It requires, in fact, a loft. Here we are, waiting on the pre-elephant platform.

The riding apparatus is designed for two small to medium persons. The fellow in charge of boarding did not know I was alone, and so irritably gestured at me to take the nearest man person and make him mine. This did not work out because he was there with his wife, and he was not my type. However, he and his wife were both rather round, and they were right behind me, seeing him gesture for two people, and when they went up together, he quickly pulled them apart and assigned one of them to each elephant. It was not a tactfully done thing. I got my own elephant, too, but the accommodation of the seat actually made this suboptimal, as I was wont to slide around, and the elephant driver would turn around and look disappointed until I flopped back into the middle and tried to beach myself there like a whale.

 Elephants entering water! This was the first little leg of our sojourn. Tragically, one of the Lost Files is the video of my elephant's trunk popping up to snorkel some air as we waded through here. It's a delightful video, all 90 seconds of it. I will show it to anyone who reminds me when I get back.

 Here are some cows we saw on the road. The hat you see belongs to my elephant chauffeur. While this is not strictly on target as subject matter goes, it shows the kind of day it was (brilliant), and the area we were in (ruggedish).

 At one point, I heard a repetitive thwacking noise and craned around to see this: the elephant behind me (and the one behind her) was brushing off her feet with a bundle of leaves. They use tools. While I suppose this could have struck fear into my heart at the imminent uprising, I chose to interpret that as an awesome fact about elephants - they use tools! And they care about cleanliness!

In other news, I have been on the Interwebs long enough to know that yes, I should be shot for taking video in this orientation, but deal with it. Elephants are vertically oriented.

 I would like to have amazing photos of my own elephant buddy, but at this time of the day, that was not to be. My view of her was pretty much limited to what you see here, which equates approximately to the nape of her neck. That and the awesome rump shot above were all I could readily access of my elephant while aboard. That totally didn't stop me from patting her where I could reach. Elephants feel like heels - that skin is tough - but you can feel everything they're doing, too.  When an elephant steps, it steps with conviction.

 What I did get to see a lot of were the other elephants! Here are the other riders.

 And here's what we were walking on, a field of some kind of mint relative. It smelled great, I wanted a mojito the whole time.

 In my brilliance, I had dressed for the day athletically, assuming hiking and sweating and carrying on. All my clothes for doing that, dear reader, are dark, and when you are out in a field in Thailand, wearing dark clothes at midday, you are hot. My elepheur (I'm working on a more efficient phrase for elephant chauffeur) kindly provided this rocking plaid parasol, and there was great rejoicing. Look, you can see where I have been Marked by the Red Sticker of Inclusion.

 Here is another picture of one of the other elephants. Why? BECAUSE IT WAS THERE AND I WAS THERE TOO AND IT WAS WONDERFUL.

Also, this was the elephant I somewhat-unsuccessfully tried to feed before riding, and as it came up and waved at me, I gave it the second banana, this time with great success. I guess they really don't forget. A TEACHING MOMENT!

This is us entering another part of the grounds as we returned from our sherping. The grounds are 30 acres, housing 30 elephants retired from the lumber industry.

Here is a dog who gave zero... units of caring about the fact that four elephants were tromping right past him. 

 At last! Disembarking from my elephant, I got the occasion to meet her properly. Apparently she is shy. She would turn her head away from other people who came up to take pictures with her, but she let me pet her trunk and rub her forehead. Because I am special.

 Rub rub rub. She had a pierced ear, as you see. In her youth, she was something of a rebel...

 This elephant was the ham. Everyone was encouraged to take photos with her. She is something like forty years old, and very used to people. The guide encouraged us to smooch her on the trunk, but that has not been captured for posterity. I'm okay with it. The most amazing part was definitely feeling how massive and soft and alive an elephant is. Just in the nose part! My own nose is much more boring.

 This, right here, is a photo of a dream coming true. Two photos, in fact! Elephants are my favorite animal. I was a little afraid, at first, actually, that meeting one would be anticlimactic, and somehow take away some of the wonder. Instead, it was like that moment when you see an extraordinary piece of art that your friend has made. You always knew he could draw, but you didn't really know. It was the same feeling of awe and affection to meet one of these fantastic (because really, who thought that up? Good job, nature, bein' all creative), amazing animals. I can't wait to see more.

 After elephants, we did a brief walk through the woods to the silk house. On the way, our guide Alex told us about some of the local flora and its functions.

 This is an eating plant, typically wrapped around something which you then steam. I have no recollection, if I learned, what its name is.

 This is a mulberry bush. Alex pulled off a ripe berry and handed it over, and it tastes just like a generic berry should. I don't have enough context to say it tasted like anything more than my vague memories of what mulberry jam has tasted like (I usually dive straight into the raspberry and start doing laps), so all I could really tell was that it was definitely A Berry.

 This is the road to the silk house. along the right side, it's lined with lemongrass, which, when crushed, can apparently do good service as an insect repellent. As it happened, I was covered in enough DEET to bring down Mothra, but it's good to know.

 Here's what awaited us in the silk house: silk stuff. When I first read about this part of the day in the printed materials, TJ and I both suspected it of being a tourist trap, where the guide would drop us and return in an hour so we could fill our boredom with handcrafted goods. It was not like that at all. The whole place is a non-profit animal sanctuary, basically, which I should have taken into account when I thought about this. All it is is a place to learn about silk making. This sweet loom was the first thing we saw, with this beautifully saturated fuchsia fabric in process. According to Alex, it can take several hours to get just a few inches of cloth at this fineness.

Here is a lady sorting through silkworms. If you want to enlarge this picture, be sure it is not something you look at right before, or right after, or during eating. Silkworms perform a valuable function and are super gross.

Silk production is pretty rad in the sense that it doesn't harm the silkworms. I had thought that the cocoons were boiled with the worms still in, but apparently, they wait for the moths to come out and then loosen the strands by boiling. One of these cocoons can generate up to a kilometer of thread. That's kind of rare, but easily 800 meters.

Here's the view out the door, which I thought was worth having for the tiny gecko on the screen. What you may not be able to see because my phone is easily overwhelmed by contrast (it doesn't have a very advanced worldview), are the four other geckos just inside the sill at the top of the window. Ahh, lizards.

After leaving the silk house, we walked down to where there was a boat to take us part of the way back, over the catfish pond. They kept a bag of fish food pellets (looked like dog food to me, but I am not a connoisseuse, and it had a picture of a fish on the bag, so I'm guessing they weren't trying to pull a fast one on the fish) and a cup handy, to throw food into the water, whereupon the fish would frenzy. I took video of it, but it is not looking good for that upload. If it worked, great! If it is not cool, just imagine hundreds of good-sized fish bodies thrashing around. There were a ridiculous number of fish, and the frenzy was all the more surprising when you couldn't see them coming.

 Here's the view from the bow. It was a rope ferry, with one wheel at either end, winding and unwinding its guide rope as we went.

See?


Once on the far side, we walked about 20 meters and came out to what our guide called "Thai limousines:" ox-carts.

Here is the view behind me. Because it was a pet-things kind of day, I went ahead and patted these guys. They are very soft and fuzzy. It appears their horns need some keratin attention. On the other hand, that would make them "the better to stab you with" so maybe we just leave those alone.

 Those two cows on the right were jerks who wouldn't share the road, so that cart (as my own did, seconds before this photo was taken) went off-roading. A non-trivial event to passengers, is off-roading in an ox-cart.

 Here we all are, bidding farewell to the adorable child of one of the ox-cart drivers. Also, in the back is another dog who gives zero units of caring about the oxen or the elephants on the far side of him. Of which there were several, but my video of that didn't get uploaded, either :(

In other news, it was great to see animals that had spent the first part of their lives doing hard labor just hanging out. They weren't being trained, or made to do tricks, or asked to haul things around. They were just sitting around, derping. Good for them.

AND THEN THERE WAS FOOD, AND IT WAS GLORIOUS. This was an included part of the package, and came with rice (fried and un-), fries (potatoes), fried chicken, noodle stuff, pork stuff, and beef stuff, along with bread and soup for all.

 This is the super entitled kitty who found us impudently eating his food. He expressed his dissatisfaction with this arrangement repeatedly throughout the meal.

And then it was time to go back to the hotel, where I packed and ate and rejoiced in my day.